So after returning for a year or so, I decided to delete my account on the site I've generally been active on. It was not meant to be, I guess.
First of all, there was no way I could stop myself from going in "too deep". I realize that staying on that site means staying involved in RP. Which, in and of itself, can be enjoyable. The problem is that ones RP experience is too contingent on those whom one is interacting with. Where people congregate, there's bound to be politics. In this case the leaders legislate and interpret the rules they establish for the community. Now I have no issue with the rules; they're mostly fair. However what really detracts from an enjoyable experience is the behavior that is not beholden to the law. There's no feasible way to demand more restrictions be put in place that affect everyone in order to hold back select few individuals. Besides, the root of this stems from irreconcilable differences between the members and the moderators. Some put in more time for RP and therefore they deserve to get more out of it.
Speaking of time, I've finally begun to admit that I don't have enough of it. An elaborate act of self deception was required to balance my responsibilities as a student and what increasingly feels like a part-time job. But admin, you ask- isn't this supposed to be a hobby? Well, it could've been one, but alas, that's not in my character. I wanted this account to be a welcome respite from the stresses of everyday life. It fits the bill for a typical introvert activity, seeing as my favorite pasttime is withdrawing into my room to do whatever one can do in ones room. I cannot not take this too seriously because when I do something I go all out. What I do has to meet my standards, which are pretty high. Unfortunately they aren't being met right now in other aspects, and while I'm in a much better place than I was last year, I know I can do better. And my stiffness in public settings isn't going to go away if I stay in my room all day. It requires doing said things that force me to improve upon my weaknesses.
The school where I study is a highly competitive place. I feel that my meagre qualifications don't allow me to excel in this elitist environment, but I allow myself to hold on to my ambitious aspirations. It's time to rekindle that ember of hope and really work towards my dream. Ultimately, I cannot hold influence both in the real world and the online one. Time is the great equalizer here, and I won't fault anyone for preferring the latter because my thinking for so long has tried to justify it. However, I have to think about what I want out of my life. I can't remain in the limbo before true adulthood forever. I cannot afford to do something that's intangible in order to retain relationships that I've built up in that place. And believe me, I was reluctant to do it because I'm slow to make friends anywhere. Yet a break must be made. I apologize for the selfish decision. If those of you whom I've left still consider me your friend, please don't be afraid to contact me on here or through other means I've left you.